Seven reasons why celeb boyfriends suck
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Date: Apr 22, 2001
1. Zero perks
Being the arm candy of an international star should mean you get to RSVP many a high-profile celeb party where you'd meet other famous, beautiful and filthy rich people. But, more often than not, you'll be staying at home watching that premiere on the 10 O'Clock news 'cause it's much better PR to arrive at the opening night of your new mega-buck movie with your co-star, not your beloved. So, no free designer dress, no boozy schmoozing and definitely no glam paparazzi pictures, in fact it's a cup of cocoa and an early night for you dear.
2. Everyone wants to bag 'im
You might've got your mitts on a total babe and fancy him like mad but remember, so does every other female on the planet. It's not easy knowing that there are gals coveting your bloke and giving you the evil eye left, right and centre. Think of Brad and Jennifer - how many if us haven't hoped she'll be involved in a tragic plane crash? Everyone hates star's non-celeb other halves. No one knows who you are, in fact no one cares and they call you ugly even if, like our Jen, you're not even remotely minging. You just look grifting compared to that fit-as-you-like fella of yours. Ouch.
3. He's surrounded by loads of great lookin' chicks
First up is the co-star. If your beau is in the movie business, the chances are he'll be working very closely with his female lead. He'll almost definitely have to snog 'er and they may even be forced to get jiggy in the altogether - all in the name of art, of course. He'll persuade you that it's all kosher and that sucking the face off Julia Roberts gives him no pleasure whatsoever. But look at the facts: Meg Ryan left her hubbie of nine years for the leather-skirted - Russell Crowe, and guess where they met? You guessed it, on set. On the other hand, if your bloke is a pop/rock star, it's the groupies you've got to worry about. The gangs of girls that'll stop at nothing to get their sweaty hands on their idol are just plain scary. And you accompanying him to every gig ain't gonna happen, is it? So you'll just have to trust him. Hmm, yeah right.
4. You never see the bloke
Either touring his arse off á la Westlife or flying from one exotic location to the next, shooting big budget action flicks. Ben Affleck style, you ain't gonna get much quality time with your superstar. You might think you'll fly off in the private plane to whichever country he happens to be in, but all that jet lag'll catch up with you - making you look like a complete hag and leaving you open to threat from all those lovely ladies he meets (see No.3). Instead, you'll spend most of your time holed up in that Malibu mansion on your Jack Jones. Bless.
5. You're always having to look tiptop
Make no mistake, there'll be no slobbing a round in your choccie-stained pyjamas watching Dawson's and not bothering to shave your legs on a Sunday. Because on the occasion that blokie does turn up, you'll have to make sure you look your best. That means sunbeds, manicures, stylists and beauticians - the whole caboodle, the whole time. Exactly how dull would that be? And, as for tucking into light snacks of pizza combo, complete with chicken wings and a litre bottle of Coke - forget about it. It'll be lettuce leaves and boiled fish all the way for you Madam.
6. He'll be an egomaniac
"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you", yes that famous song may well apply to your even more famous boyfriend. He'll use more beauty products than you, spend hours in front of the mirror and be totally self-obsessed. "How chiselled is my jaw?" "Am I buff?" "And do my perfect pecs look fat in this?" Will be his most frequently asked questions. In fact he'll be so busy with whatever "nu prowject" he's working on, he might not have time to find out how your day was. Which would be, incidentally: "Um, I went to the supermarket and, er, paid the housekeepers." because let's face it, school and jobs would be out the window. Who needs cash of your own, when your bloke is worth millions?
7. You'd have journo folks rooting through your bins
Having a megastar boyf means saying a big bye-bye to your privacy. Imagine waking up and being photographed as you pick up the post, or having the contents of your bin scrutinised and splashed across the tabloids the next day. Cruel invasion of privacy? Certainly. Embarrassing beyond belief? Definitely. Especially if you've been suffering with a bad case of piles or some other "personal" medical complaint. And what about opening the papers to find your mugshot under the title, Stars And Their Minging Girlfriends? It would suck bigtime.
So, if that hasn't completely put you off trying to win your fave celeb's heart, you're either a complete romantic or a nutjob. Either way good luck to you, 'cause you're gonna need heaps of it. The rest of you, stick to normal lads. They might not be as delectable, but they're a lot less hard work...
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