One Million Teenage Girls Stricken With Backstreetenemia

Back - Index - Submissions - - What is RSS? Date: Mar 31, 2000 Source: Satire from The Devils Advocate (School Newspaper) Submitted By: Sarah Horne One Million Teenage Girls Stricken With Backstreetenemia Epidemic Canandian Health Officials Strongly Warn Against Exposure To Brian, Kevin, Nick, Howie and A.J. TORONTO - The Canadian Department of Health and Welfare declared a national state of emergency Friday, as the number of teenage girls stricken with Backstreetenemia passed the one million mark. According to HEW Security John Gardner, "Over one million North Americans between the ages of 13 and 21 have tested positive for Backstreetenemia, a disease leaving them incapable of concentrating on their schoolwork, keeping their rooms neat or behaving in a manner understandable to their parents." "Physical symptoms of the virus are varied," commented Gardner. "Females seen to suffer the worst, displaying fits of shrieking, convulsions, tearing at their own faces, and in the most extreme cases, as witnessed recently at the Skydome Skytent, total panic and loss of consciousness." Prolonged exposure to the virus can ultinately wear down the immune system, creating a severe mental condition called Backstreetmentia. Wild emotional swings are also identified with the disease. Many victims have been observed in extreme rapture during television musical shows, only to break down sobbing minutes later upon learning music stores have sold out of "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely." Experts have identified this condition as "Backstreet Depressive Disorder." Statistics show that the disease strikes teenagers hardest. Most people over forty were Beatlinated against the condition by Trudeau's adolescent immunization programs of the 1960's. At first, the Centre for Disease Control officials theorized that the holding of hands spread Backstreetenemia. However, they now believe it is communicable by seeing Brian, Kevin, Nick, Howie and A.J. just standing there. While some biologists believe that Backstreetenemia evolved from a rare strain of the NKOTB virus cross-bred with boy-pop bacteria, others say it origenated in the Orlando, Florida area, and gained potency during epidemics in Europe and Asia before finally striking North America. Parents, meanwhile, are pressed for a cure. "How many more girls will this disease claim?" asked James Woodson of Jamaica, N.Y. His daughter Jessica succumbed to a full-blown case of Kevingitis. As biologists race to isolate the pop pathogen, hospitals and emergency Backstreetenemia- relief clinics across Canada are jammed with the crying, shouting victims of the epidemic. "This is without a doubt the worst pop-music related illness in history," said William Horst, director of Sick Kids Hospital's "I Want It That Way Ward." "It's worse than the rocking pneumonia, the boogie-woogie flu and the hippy-hippy shakes put together." Emergency immunizations are under way, now that scientsts have developed a four-part injection that provides protection from not only Nick's sensitive nature and Brian's fun-loving charm, but also the highly contagious appeal of A.J. Comment on this item. Next Item: Tearing Up the Charts Prev Item: Backstreet Boys Disband Amidst *NSYNC Success