My Hero

Back - Index - Submissions - - What is RSS? Date: Jan 29, 2000 Source: Kath M Submitted By: I've spent my whole life wondering what it's like to have a father. A man who is always there and who will always call me his little girl, and I know that I probably will never find out. When I was a little girl, my mom got married and I thought, "now I have a daddy, I'm part of a real family." why did I think that? Well, I think it was mainly because I watched TV too much and every show I watched had the perfect family, a mother and a father, 2.5 kids and a dog that got along perfectly all the time. Or I'd see my own friends with their families, and I'd wonder if maybe something was wrong with me. So now that I had this step father, I was as close to "normal" as I'd ever be. For about a year, I thought that my life was just fine. I thought, "hey, I'm just like my friends. I have a daddy!" well, let me tell you...that thought sure disappeared when my mother told me we were moving..and my "daddy" wasn't coming with us. So there I was, thinking that I was a member of a totally dysfunctional family yet again...I didn't know my real father, my mother had been married and divorced in less then a year, so all I could think of was how badly it sounded saying "yeah, my ex stepfather and I did this..." When I did say that, I felt like I was one of those children on Dynasty or something, who's mother had like, 7 ex husbands! When I was 13, I finally got to meet my real father. He wanted to be an important part of my life right away and I just couldn't do that. I had to many questions and he just wasn't able to answer them for me. After a few feeble attempts to push himself into my life (um, he tried twice) and me just pushing him back out, he just stopped calling all together. I'm now 18 and I haven't heard from him once since I was 13 and he tried those two times to suddenly be my daddy. Wow, a little girl has got to feel pretty special after her father dumps her after only trying to bond with her twice, right? My Mother started to date this guy just before all that happened with my biological father, and actually they're still together, so I guess I'm lucky enough to have someone who cares about me as much as any father could care about his daughter. Still, he wasn't always there and I still had to live through all the struggles my mother went through to try and give me the best life she could without a father to help out. Did my biological father help out at ALL? Hell no. He didn't do anything for me or my mother. I always wanted to make it up to my mother, you know, give back to her what she's been giving to me my whole life. I know that I act at times, like I don't appreciate what she does or that I don't know exactly how hard she works, but the truth is, I know..and I've known for a very long time. Problem was, for some reason I felt as though I would never be able to give it back to her, to show her how much I appreciate it all. Why? Because I have always had low self esteem, I always felt that I'd never make enough money or do something that would make her proud or that would make her feel as though all the sacrifices she had made for me were worthwhile. When I was about 12 years old, a friend of mine gave me a tape of a band that a cousin of hers over in Germany was a huge fan of. I was immediately taken with the Backstreet Boys and still am today. I became one of those fans who just had to know everything about them at first, especially about my favourite Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter. One time, I was reading an article about them and I read something that changed my life...seriously! Most would think it must have been something about Nick, right? Wrong! Believe me, I am NOT that big of a fan that reading what my favourite Backstreet Boys's favourite ice cream was would possible change my life! What I read was that AJ McLean, obviously a Backstreet Boy, grew up with just his Mother and grandparents around. He didn't know his father either. AJ was always one of my favourite Backstreet Boys, but when I read this it just helped me. I could relate to him. I mean, I have had many celeb crushes, but honestly I have never had any celebrity that I could look up to and relate too until I read that article. I see how much his mother means to him and how proud he makes her and it reminds me of me and my mom. The look I see in Denise McLean's eyes when she watches her son is the look I want to see in my mom's eyes. I want to make my mother proud just as AJ does.. When I look at AJ, at first I see this guy covered in tattoos and looking all tough, but then I look deeper. You can see in his eyes, the warmth and the pride and when he talks about his mother, the love is obvious. He has given so much back to his mother and made her so proud that I can't help but look up to him and respect him more then any other celebrity. When I look at AJ, I see someone who has had to go through pretty much the same struggles as I have and someone who has made something of himself and given back to his family everything that he can. Another thing I remember reading once, was about AJ's relationship with his father after he got to meet him. He was a lot older then I had been when he got to meet his father, but apparently the outcome was pretty much the same. Now remember, I read this...so I don't know it's 100% true or not. What I read was that AJ met his father, and his father did what mine did. He tried to push a relationship on AJ way to fast and eventually AJ just got fed up and now they don't really talk much. It's hard for a child to understand why their father or mother left them, or why they don't want anything to do with their children. I had to deal with that throughout my whole childhood, as I'm sure AJ did as well. The thing is, I believe that what I went through has made me a stronger person. Growing up, I felt that there had to be something wrong with me if my own father didn't want me, that I must have done SOMETHING to make him not want to be part of my life. Now I realize that it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't my mother's either. It was my father's, he obviously wasn't ready to be my father and truthfully, I don't think he ever will be. Hell, I'm not even sure I WANT him to be! But what I do know is this, I forgive my father. Why? Because the simple fact is, every one makes mistakes in life...I suppose I was just one of his mistakes. But like it or not, he IS my father...without him, I wouldn't be here today. See, in my head I know that Morgan is my biological father, In my heart he isn't and I don't think he ever will be. But you know what? That's ok because I have people that do love me and that do want me in their lives and in their hearts, and for that, I'm thankful.. I may never know what it feels like to be "daddy's little girl" or to be able to call someone dad but through the strength and love that I have seen shine through from AJ McLean, I know that I'll be alright. I know that I can still make my mother proud and that I can follow my dreams no matter what. And that is why AJ McLean is my hero. Comment on this item. Next Item: Short Story: Now I can see that we're falling apart Prev Item: What do you think of the Backstreet Boys?