Just so you know, AJ, I am proud of you & you're not alone...No one can convince anyone that they have a problem with alcohol or any other substance, or obsession, for all that matters. They must see it for themselves. Recognizing it, knowing it, and admitting it, are the first steps of a long, hard, and painful road to recovery.
The sadness you feel in your hearts should be from what he has already come through, not his realizing the problem, or him admitting to having it. That should make you all happy, because he is now in a position, to help himself, and to take help from the ones who can give it. Now, he will undergo some of the most difficult time, he has ever had to face, and it will be an easy trip, compared to the one he will face when he leaves this rehabilitation center. There, they will teach him about his disease, how deal with the causes of it, let him realize he's not alone, and cleanse his body of the demon that has taken the life out of it. When he leaves, it will be like walking through the fires of hell, because he has the means to get it, anytime he wants it, and he is around it, every day, for the rest of his life, and he will need the support of his family, every friend, fan and every person, from which he can receive it. His strength will be weakened with temptation, but he will overcome it.
I know, I have been there...I am there. Once you are an alcoholic, you are always one. That is the first thing you learn. It never leaves you, but you do find the way to control it, and win the battles it throws to you, now and again. It won't always be easy, either.
When I was 19 years old, I faced the hard fact, that I was an alcoholic, yet, not old enough to buy the alcohol. I lived with my grandmother, and cared for her. She had alzheimer's disease, and I watched her, dying more and more, with each day that passed.
On the weekends, I would have a break from it, because my aunt would come stay with her. I was off at 4:30 on Friday evening, where, I would have my ride, drop me off at the bar. Then, when it closed, at 2 a.m., I would take a cab to another one, that didn't close until 4 a.m., then, was off to an after-hours club, until they closed, at 7 a.m., and finally, to my cousin's house, to sleep until 10, get up, get ready, and do it all again, to be back at my grandmother's side, on Monday afternoon. It got to the point, where, I would taste the alcohol all week long, until the next weekend. I wasn't eating, I wasn't taking care of myself. I was getting up every morning at 6:30, and staying up each night until 3 or 4 in the morning, drinking six pots of coffee, and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes, a day, through the week...all so I wouldn't miss the alcohol, but I still did. I tasted it in everything I would drink. I would scream, cry and pull my hair out, for no reason at all, and knew this was too much for me to do alone. I felt like I had no help at all, no friends, nor family that gave a damn about my grandmother, or me, for all that goes. I couldn't stand to watch the one woman who taught me about love, and life, losing hers day-to-day, and it was very painful to me, and insanely, I couldn't do anything about it. I felt helpless, and insignifigant. I didn't know what else that I could do, to help her. I had fallen into a life that I didn't like, but I continued to do it. I don't know why I did it, because every night that I was being that way, I would say to myself, "Why am I doing this?", but I still did it, and would do it more and more, just to insure that I could survive the pain and kill it. I had already lost the one person that I truly loved. He was my one and only, the one I was going to marry, but he didn't want to see me that way, because I sure didn't want me to be that way, but yet, I still did it, not knowing the reason. All I knew, is I felt better when I was partying, and it took my pain away. I was laughing and partying on the outside, but on the inside, I was crying and wanting to die the whole time. I had become the demon that I drank.
I did this for a year and a half. Finally, one day, I was at home, and I told my grandmother I would be back in a minute. I walked into my bedroom, closed the door, and began to cry. Not just a silent cry, but a hard cry. I thought about my grandmother, and how she used to be. I thought about Karl, and how I pushed him out of my life, because I was wanting a drink. I thought about how my family seemed to not even care about that beautiful woman, up there in the living room, and how much I loved them all, and was letting them down....then, uncontrollably, I started tearing pictures from the walls, pulling the bed clothes from the bed, pulling my hair, and beating the sides of my own head, with my hands, begging the pain to leave me. Then, I couldn't stand it, because I knew I was flipping out, so, I screamed at the top of my lungs, as I held two handfuls of my hair, sitting in the floor. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't focus, nor could I speak. I could no longer cry, my tears were dry, but I wanted to...I mean, I was, but there were no more tears. Nothing would come out of my eyes....I stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror. That wasn't me. I was sick looking. My skin was white, and I was black around my eyes. They were sunk back in my head. I wasn't eating anything, nor was I even living, anymore...Why? I have no idea, but, this was the episode that made me realize I have a problem, and I need to fix it, or it was going to kill me, while endangering everyone around me, especially my grandmother. It was like God was showing me that He's had enough, and it was time for me to shut up, and listen to Him.
My grandfather was the Elder of his church, before his passing in 1988. I was raised in this church. It is what is called a "hardshell Baptist" church. They follow the Old Testament rule. As a child, I knew God, and respected His wishes. I knew, loved and read His word. Maybe that is what I had to do; to become His child again. I knew I had strayed, and was lost in a world that I couldn't even recognize anymore, I didn't want to recognize it. So, I did the hardest thing that I had, and still today have, ever done in my life.
I thought I was literally, going to die. I felt death in my body, like a poison, running fast and heavy in my veins, and I was scared of it, but, then, I needed it, and I knew that was not a way to live.....that was a way to die. I also had to deal with the fact that I couldn't care for my grandmother any longer, and that was killing me inside, as well, but something had to be done, because I was no good to her, if I couldn't overcome this, so, I handed the torch over to my aunts, and moved back home, to my parents' farm.
Maybe I needed to plant my roots again, let them grow. Maybe that connection with my childhood would help me. I didn't know if it would be the cure, or not, but I knew my parents were the most caring, and true christian people on the planet. I loved them, and trusted them, with my life, and this was the last place I knew to go. I was depressed, felt alone, and was in no condition to live by myself. I had fell in a hole, with no way out. I knew I wouldn't be able to drink while living there, so that was the best place for me, but it was like death, once I started to "live" there, again. Maybe it was because I told no one of my problem, and dealt with it on my own, at the time, but I didn't think my parents, or family, would understand. I didn't think I had any real friends, so that was out of the question. I was paranoid that if anyone knew, they would think I was stupid, and would think the worst of me, so, I kept it to myself. At the time, this is what I needed, and I was making myself do it, whether I wanted to dry-out, or not. I was going to get rid of it, because if I didn't, I would be dead in a matter of weeks, maybe days. It was to that point, and I was too scared to fight it.
This is where I discovered, just what good friends I really had, and my family, they are the best. They were unaware of my problem, but they were everything that I needed. They helped me rediscover God, and helped me through this trying time. I am forever grateful.
There was a song I heard once, that said, "You don't have to move that mountain, just help me Lord, to climb it. You don't have to move that stumbling block, just help me Lord, around it..." That rings true to me. I have learned that God will never leave me. He is always with me, and He is always with you, whether you think He is, or not, He is. This is the one thing that will help you through this. No matter how lonely, how desperate, how ugly, how weak, distraught, or stupid you feel....you are always a light in His eyes, He is always proud, and He will always let you shine your best. He will never let you down, nor will He ever abandon you. If you let Him, He will hold you in everlasting arms. He will give you the knowledge to recognize, the strength to face, the endurance to see it through, and the power to control it.
My family, and friends carried me for almost a year, until I was able to walk on my own, and even then, it was a long, hard road that I walked, but with God behind us, they helped me through the first steps, and lifted me up from the gutter, in which I was stuck.
I've stumbled and even fell flat on my face, quite a few times, but they still continue to pick me up, and assure me that I can make it, and no matter what, they will stand by me, and will never dessert me, neither will God. They are my rock, and the ocean of fear that splashes against it, is horendous, and fierce, but I can make it. God is the lighthouse on the shore, He will protect me, carry me, leading me safe to shore, and He will never leave me. I know and trust that now.
I am getting ready to turn 33 years old now, and I am no longer afraid. I have overcome that dark time in my life, but will never be fully cured of my alcoholism. I have faith, though, and I know with every breath I take, that God is still with me, helping me through each and every day, that I face the temptation of drink.
I have since been able to focus on the important things in my life, like family, religion, and love. I am also finally living out a lifelong dream, and writing my first novel. My insights are so much clearer, and I can intensely focus on what is important to me, more than I ever have. I wish the same for you.
Go find that love you once had, hold it tight, and close to your heart, cherish it, keep it forever, and live it. Never be ashamed to say who you are, what you are, where you've been, what you've accomplished, or the things in which you believe. Always be proud, and never let anyone put you down. Reach into your soul, and find your true self, no matter what everyone else says, you are your own person, and not who they think you are. Don't let that keep you from carrying on with the life you want to live. You can do anything, if you just set your mind to it. It has been proven.
Look at me.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Be true to yourself, be honest with everyone else, and most of all, don't be afraid anymore. It is okay.
God be with you, and keep you, safe in his arms forever...
With my undying, unconditional love and support,
~Karen~
Webmaster of AJ Fan's AJ FanSite:
http://members.tripod.com/~AJ-McLean/index.html
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Footprints in the Sand
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the Sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
One belonged to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
He looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life,
There was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You, You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed You most, You would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child.
I love you and I would never leave you
During your times of trial and suffering.
When you see only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
~Author Unknown
