Thats me again ...
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From: Sillly me
Date: Sat Jan 28, 15:10

Hey. My diary again. No, I am not gonna whine about the online games and people's interaction again. I think so. lol. But yeah, I am here, writing to nowhere, into the open space, because I do not feel ok. I mean, whatever happens, happens for the better. We all know that. So to be frank, I am okay. Or let's say, I am fine. Because it is nothing, I do not know why I feel a little bothered though.

The point is, I have a complex. Of a good girl. A good girl, who has to be loved by everyone (yeah, I understand this is a wrong life position, I understand that. I know that. But still I am like that, and no idea how to change this silly attitude).

What do I mean by that... I am used to be .. pampered? No, not like this. I am used to think, that all people (yeah, all) have to take care of me, be polite with me (sure I am the same with them too), treat me nicely and love me too. I do not mean "men's love". No. I mean Love like Love. That people find you so nice, so cute, so kind and love or adore dealing with you. Or like to be in your company.

So yes, I have this complex of a good girl. But nowdays, the life shows me a different way. I try to understand what is wrong with me? Ok. Because of this attitude maybe. But once I get treated not like I expect people to, I become upset. Like, how come, he or she is acting with me in this way? I am so good, so nice, everyone knows that. How come those people do not like me. Or spread rumours about me. Or anything.

I know I should not care, and just be myself. To be honest, I faced this thing in a game. Yeah, this game I wrote about before. Also, I do not have much of real life now anyway. Or it is not full with happy events. I do not have a guy, I am not married, and so on. OK. Let us skip this. I do not like to get that personal about myself. At the same time I am an opened person.

Anyway, if to think well, I might remember the same bad treatment in real life too. I think it was because of wrong people about me. Why wrong? I do not know, in some situations I just saw that they were envious. Like, a guy made a compliment to me in the street, and a girl from my work was shocked and said he said that to u? How did he do it? Why? (She was walking with me at this time, so she heard the compliment. I was not surprised, as I often heard compliments like this, and was alone).

Then, I used to travel abroad and [eople from work did not. So maybe it was my fault, but I was talking about my trips or that I will travel. And it could make people envious somehow. Ok. I understand that.

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Subject: Re:Thats me again ...
From: Silly me
Date: Sat Jan 28, 15:50

So ok. I understand such things in real life. Not like am not bothered or not like am bothered too much by that. I do not know. Or I do not understand that feeling well.

But in this game.. I do not know.. Me, being a good girl, always positive and talkative, and opened, and honest (yes. In the game. But this game is not like any other online game. It has communication in it. Anyway).

The situation with my alliance finished last summer. Yeah, it did not finish well. And the betrayal guy insulted me. And damaged our whole work in the game so easily. I asked the whole alliance if they agree to what he said about me (he was one of the leaders, the leadership there is a long story, and I was among the leaders again in the very end anyway, but it cost much to me, but not the point). Two guys messaged me and said that I should not listen to him, and he's that word, and they just don't know how to play.

Ok. I was grateful to them for those few supportive words. But maybe i was too grateful? I do not know. Maybe I said something wrong. I mean maybe I sounded too weak or too.. I do not know. Anyway.. i now question what they really thought about me. But why should I care as I do not know them. We just were in the same team for 2 years. OK.

Then, I reported this insulting guy. He was banned for a few days. But before he was warned. He sent a message to all the alliance and asked who "complained to daddy". I said nothing. I think he could guess I did complain (though generally I never complained, but this time the guy has really crossed the line, and I do not know why - we got along normally before).

I did not say hey look it is me who complained. Because he just put me on the block. For no reason. I only asked him what is wrong (kindly, politely) and why he started treating me like this out of a sudden? And why he thinks that I am not me, but another person. Actually it was a conflict. He was saying that me is not me, but some guy, to who I left my alliance for and was there with him for some months. So he basically said that am a guy! While actually am a girl. But ok.

The game ended. Great. I got to know some other people in the same game, but on another server. They were experienced and treated me nicely. It was fun with them.. Maybe I acted wrongly later by saying that I do not have experience (though I had), also I shared my alliance story and what problems I got in my alliance. Why I said that to them or shared? Well, I felt like I needed to share, to confess when I was sad and I was. Game does not matter, but I took seriously the interaction between people.

This new crew said that I should not care about them, and i am now with them, and they never betray friends and that the bad people were just too noobish, and this is why no one will play with them in general so they stayed in that game till the end. Coz no one invites them to a new game. And so on.

But you know.. Later on... I started feeling that the attitude of people towards me in this new team changed. I started having some not serious issues between me and the leader girl. I started to feel that she's using me in some things, and treats me as a newbie. Like all of them are so cool and experienced, and I am nothing... Not like she said that directly, but it was obvious in her actions towards me.

After some situation, I decided to stop wasting the time on all this and to just leave. Sent a great lovely message to this new crew and said no time, etc, and gave my villages to them.

No one told me thanks. lol. No one. And this girl, she tried to make me stay (but I knew why - she needed some help over there. ) . I was strong and refused. But I said that i will be busy for nearly 2 weeks.

The game we were in was also coming to an end, and all of them were going to the new game, as a strong team + another strong team. I was wondering in my mind, if they are going to invite me. I would have refused of course, but the matter is in invitation only.

In fact, I do not even want to play with them. Or the team they got merged too. I do not like the type of this people, as they are very different from me. I mean, they use bad words much (yeah, me being a good girl, I know), and drink much (except girls, but the team has few girls, mostly men / guys). I did not feel much comfortable among them inside of me.

Anyway, this leader girl, when i said i will be busy for just 2 weeks, so that is why I leave, she said we are not sure if we stay in this game for those 2 weeks, so u could stay with us here till it ends at least.

The point is she was lying, because they already were going to play in a new game (same time, but the new one). So basically, she could say, oh it is okay, take your time, but we are going to play in the new game, so if you want, you are welcome to come with us. Nope, she acted as if it was the last game they play. While the new game was discussed in the chat openly.

Anyway, I left. The time passed by. They already started playing in this new game. And another girl told me that (she was advicing me how to act in my old alliance conflict) they joined the game, but got no someone to help with some things.

I knew what she meant, and she said it on purpose I am sure. To make me feel, that I have no idea how to play, but my role is to help with this thing and maybe she wanted me to say that if they need help, I will do. Or maybe she wanted to show me that I am nothing, and can be only used to help with this thing. I am sure it happened because this other leader girl could tell her lies about me.

She could have said, ohh, no, please, let us not invite her. She won't manage to play with such gurus and experienced players like us. She does not understand the team game. She knows nothing, she's a noob. And she is not smart. And whatever else she could think of to tell.

How I know what she says or may say? Well, we had a few comers in our team (they were actually weak, and not originally from this crew). So I saw how she talked about them behind their back. Also how she talked about enemies. All are noobs and so on, except her and her crew.

Also, later on, I heard from one person, who said that this girl told him I play for the first time and she was helping me around. This is a lie!

Also, she lied to myself about my own situation in my alliance. I was shocked. Because I knew how it was. So from where she was taking fake facts - I do not know. Thus I sent her a long message and explained to her why she was wrong, and what she says is not true at all. And proved it. She just read it and did not reply.

Btw, she is a good manipulator or she feels the person's character. She seems to be mature. But I do not know her age or her life. Nothing. I did not ask. It is not too good to put your nose into other people's lives.

Anyway, yeah, no one invited me. I have talked to some guy who I thought they did not invite. And we used to write messages to each other in the game a lot. I did not ask him, but he told me himself that this leader girl asked him to join so strongly, and he did, but used another nickname. And that they are winning, and all is so great and such. He uses his real nickname in another game and suggested me to play there too. And he can help if needed.

What is funny, is that he also did not ask me why am not with them in that game (where he uses another nick), and did not invite me either. Strange, huh? Anyway, I told him that I will not join where he uses his real nick, and that if he wants to communicate, he can have enough of it with people he plays with under another name.

That is it. Still, no one invited me anymore.

Then, i have 1 person from my old alliance who i play with in same game but another server. He was nice to me for quite a while (oh he's a mature man, btw). But recently he has changed. And I do not know the reason. He can leave my messages (about the game ofc) without a reply. And i started to feel he felt bored there.

He always used to tell me that I am so smart in playing and so on. But now he stopped. And he invited me recently to play with him and some others on another, original server, because here as he says, no point.

I refused, because i do not want to feel nervous on that original server like before. I do not want to meet some bad people there again. I started to forget already...

And what no point? He plays with me. What he expects? I suggested one thing, I suggested another thing. To make the gameplay more fun. Like, we can attack other players (war game), we can train those few people in our team to be better and simply to have some activity. He showed no interest in that. And said no time, etc.

If he has no time, why he invites and plays on another server? I asked him this today. How our team can be better, if am the only person who tries to do something for it? No one will make a game interesting, if not the people themselves.

Anyway, he did not give me an adequate feedback. Seems he wants to leave, but does not tell me directly. So today, I just renamed the team, and left . To be on my own. I let him go I mean. I do not want him to stay here because of me or something. If he feels bored, ok , he can leave. No problem. The other few guys, ok, they do not know how to play, and do not come online often, but i may invite them to me again. As for him, he may leave. No problem. For now I just left the alliance and created my own again. Just to give people freedom. If they do not want to do anything..

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Subject: Re:Thats me again ...
From: Silly me
Date: Sat Jan 28, 16:23

What I wanna say, ah, yes, in that original server, I have a few small villages and log in rarely. Yes, again, being a good girl, and feeling that no one will attack my villages, because I am so nice and so good (actually from my old alliance, one guy sent this good message to all of us, and he was original creator of the alliance: that he asks to forgive him, for giving leaders rights to some people, and that he had to give all the rights to me only, and that no one shall doubt my knowledge of the game, and that I am above many by personality in this game too). I still remember this message. It flattered me, because he was the original creator, a very experienced player too... And he remembers how newbie I was in the start, and how I changed by the end.. And he also told me in private that he wanted to support me, because I really did too much for our alliance.. So actually, he was seeing all i was doing since the very start. I really did much. I know that..

Omg, am now crying. lol. Silly. I know.

Anyway, I have a few small villages in a few games on the original server where I had my alliance. And yes, I believe that since I am so good, and so kind and so on, no one should attack me or take my villages. lol though they are too small anyway, and its a war game.

Ok, I have 1 village in the world, where that guy who insulted me is. No, he did not attack me (at least I did not see it yet). But after some time one guy from another alliance (not where the insulting guy was) took my village that has about 177 points !!! It is too small, no experienced players go for it. So why he did? I saw that his alliance is friends with the alliance of that bad guy.

So I thought, maybe this is the reason? That bad guy asked this guy to take my small village? Or maybe am wrong? and it was just a coincidence? Ok. I do not know. Oh yes, btw, there was another attempt from the "wing" of the bad alliance guy to take my small city, and i made it abandoned just before it was taken. So it will not appear that I lost a village.

So , two people, that are close to that alliance... took very small villages. Strange? Indeed. Yes.

Then for weeks the situation was calm, I made another village, also small, about 400 points. It was attacked by the neighbour alliance, but no one took it for weeks.

So i thought maybe they left me alone (if it was not just a coincidence).

But today i checked the stats without loggin in to the game and I saw that I lost a village. This small village. To the guy from the alliance that was my new neighbour. So now I think. Ok. A coincidence? Or it was all organized by that bad guy? Who hates me for nothing? I do not know.

But it looks bad in my statistics. Though it is obvious I was alone there, with a small village, and no army in it. Easy but useless target (village too small, why would not they try a bigger one??). i see some of the members in this alliance are from our ex enemies. But they never attacked me before.

I feel upset, that my nickname will be shown to them that I lost a village. I know it is too stupid to care about. But I care. lol Because I am stupid.

So now I think:

1) I was not invited to this new game by that new crew

2) No one even asked me from this new crew. No one messaged me by asking why am not with them or if i actually wanna play with them. They act as if I never existed. While in the start they were so nice to me and grateful if I helped with anything. And i did many good things to them. Not to be accepted in the crew, but just because of my kind personality.

3) This man who is from my old team and is now with me in a game, also suddenly as I see changed his attitude towards me. And acts like not caring. About anything.

4) My villages are taken or attacked in the original server (where the bad guy exists). Though sometimes am attacked in other parts of that server too.

5) Some other things I can't remember for now, but showing also this bad attitude towards me.

So, in the end, what I want to say. Am not being pathetic about all this like before. Ok, maybe I feel a bit annoyed, but I do not feel hysterical about this now, and will not cry, like I would have done in the past.

I think I became stronger and more independent. And self-confident, not to think or care about what do other people think about me or how they treat me. I mean, now it will not effect my mood or my life in a bad way.

Because, first of all, I know that:

1) all whatever happens, happens for the better;

2) all whatever happens, happens as a lesson for us to take;

3) I forgot what else lol

And the only thing that I think about (but I guess I have to stop wasting time on thinking about this and just live my life and do important things) :

is it because of that bad guy spreading rumours about me? And why people still play with him, even from my old team, while he destroyed things in my alliance before? Ok, he is a good attacker. Ok. But that is it.

So all of that bad treatment, even from this man who is playing with me now, and who actually was kicked by that bad guy when that man tried to protect me , so maybe this man heard from that bad guy (though maybe they do not even contact each other, as I remember the guy who came with us too, this man did not keep in touch on the original server) some stuff that are not true, and this man believed it? And maybe this bad guy spreads all the bad things about me to everyone in the game and asks people to take my villages or to attack me? And the things he says (maybe, i dont know if he does) are not true anyways....

Or maybe this leader girl from that new crew spreads bad things about me that are not true either? And people believe her? And thus treat me by this way?

Though, still this man who plays with me and who I think changed his attitude, still wrote me hi recently and invited to play with him and a few others on original server. So if he thought badly of me, why would he invite me? To be polite? I do not know...

Or is it just my imagination and no one actually spreads any bad rumours about me or bothers to do that?

Not so sure, because this game is like a big village, where everyone knows everyone and spreads rumours about players anyway. Not all do that, but many do.

And also I dislike the fact that my nickname will be shown that I lost a village : ) for two times : ) and I do not lose a village usually. I am playing in defence. But ok. I do not log in there, and no army, and a very small village.. So they took it without any problem. But what for? I do not know.

Well, that is what I wanted to say or to share. Yeah.

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